You know females have higher standards than males, and you also know that women aren’t all that interested in guys whose hygiene fits in the “gross” category. You may not want to believe it, but it hardly seems to make sense (at least from our perspective) that you would want to doom yourself to the “hermit” classification.

So today’s lesson is “body hair”. I’ve got here a whole lot of perspectives on removing body hair. Unfortunately many of them are delusional guys attempting to speak for females, but there’s a lot of humor here, only some of it intentional.

First, we have a blog on ball-shaving, written by a guy who is unfamiliar with the concept and illustrated by a darling photo of Happy-go-lucky and Not-so-happy-go-not-so-lucky, a pair of testicle mascots. There’s also a video from Gillette on YouTube. Here you go:

Here’s a video from Phillips:

A sick little snippet on shaving from Family Guy:

Here’s a humorous little tract on ass hair from a guy who seems to be unclear about when you need to shower.

A little comedy bit:

A bit from The Onion on razor marketing gone crazy…

And of course, the ultimate razor.

Did I miss anything? Yeah, here’s an MTV Awards report that happens to include at the beginning the clip of Sasha Baron Cohen landing ass-up in Eminem’s lap. Yes, he was waxed for the stunt.

Here’s yet another blog on male body hair.

It was an amazing week for male grooming.

This moron saw these two Hooters waitresses get out of their car at Walmart. He got in their car, found a photo of them in their uniforms, put the photo in his trunk, and got back in their car to wait for them in hiding.

Not being as stupid as the guy, the women trapped him in the car, with the help of employees and bystanders. His excuse?

He was waiting for the girls because “they looked easy” and he had a conservative girlfriend.

Yeah, that’s what he told the police. OMG. (Rolling eyeballs again)

Link

When I first got into the biz, I took a yahoo ID to go with my first phone sex persona. Not realizing that your real name is permanently attached to your yahoo ID and cannot be changed for such silly reasons as your real name changing or stalkers trying to hunt you down and kill you, I ended up with my real name out there for about a year.

Mostly my chatters were honest. But when I found out what had happened, I asked them, and they were like, “I thought you knew.” Really helpful.

Last year I was looking on yahoo for somebody whose ID I had lost. I signed up for yahoo personals to see if he was there, by mistake using the same ID that I had the issue with before. Before making a profile, I started a new yahoo personals account with a more anonymous ID of mine. But the other personals account lives on, sending me occasional spam in an attempt to get me to fill out a profile and put up lots of identifying photos in it, which are, of course, the only photos a woman is permitted to put. Men can put pictures of their house or car, a woman’s photos have to show her clearly so that stalkers who read her city and state can track her down easily. Fun, fun, fun.

Yahoo also wants me to pay some ungodly amount of money so I can correspond with guys whose profiles I find attractive. It’s a moneymaking venture for them, but in order to get people to sign up they have to prevent people who have not paid for premium accounts from contacting others. It’s supposed to give you an incentive. You’re also not permitted to discuss the rules in your profile, so people who have paid accounts may not realize that they need to send you their contact info in an email, because you are only allowed to send them one one-line “icebreaker”, selected from a very slim and uninformative list.

So today I found this article in that rarely-checked inbox, written by a guy who is a “dating guru”, with lots of good advice for both men and women, but we’ll get to that later. Or should I say, “good advice”.

Hopefully you can read this. I had to shrink it, otherwise it would have had to end up on an html page of its own. Unfortunately, it’s a members site, so the link won’t work for you. Thus, the screenshot.

Mind you, the email link to the article was “14 Mistakes to Avoid”, not “14 Fatal Online Dating Errors That Single Women Make”. Gee, I thought there was only one fatal online dating error possible, which involved getting killed by somebody you gave too much personal information to…

Let’s cut through the crap and I will rewrite the list, distilling it down to its essence, just in case it is not perfectly clear.

1. Stop posting four different photos from four different stages in your life.
Don’t make guys think. They want to know exactly how you look right now. They want your pictures up to date, and they want you to be hot. That’s the only thing that matters. Don’t take up valuable space on the server if you are not.

2. Don’t list your dislikes about Internet dating in bold, capital letters at the beginning of your profile.

In face, keep it to yourself, too. Tell guys how much you love internet dating. If you don’t, what’s wrong with you? It’s great!

3. List your exact body type.
Guys really need to know that. Don’t waste a guy’s time trying to get to know him. The only thing he needs to know is your body type.

4. List your real age.
Really, why start on a lie? Guys don’t want you to say you’re young, they don’t want you to look young, you have to BE young. Get with it.

5. I’m really glad you had a great time on your vacation, but you don’t need to post 10 photos of your trip to Italy WITHOUT you in them.
Well actually, don’t post any vacation pics of yourself at all, unless they show you in a bikini AND you are really hot. Guys aren’t interested in women who like vacations. Women who like vacations like to be taken along, and that would crimp a guy’s style and cost him some serious bucks.

6. Keep your profile short and to the point.
The text space is just there to make you think that guys are considering you for something other than the hotness of your pictures. They’re not, and the text gets in the way of their enjoyment of your photos when they’re stroking their cocks.

7. Don’t be so self-absorbed.
It’s not about you. It’s about me, and about what I can get you to do for me.

8. Don’t list your financial desires like you’re posting a want ad.
It is not reasonable to expect a guy to have reached certain material goals, like owning a car, having a job, or living someplace other than his parents’ basement. But you should be sure to tell him exactly how much money you make. No guy wants a woman who makes so little money she is going to be a parasite.

9. No baby talk!
None. Whatever. Guys find that a turnoff, as though you’re expecting something to develop out of the relationship that will be more serious than a hookup or two. If you have kids? Lie. He doesn’t want to know.

11. Stop sending winks.
Guys aren’t interested in women who aren’t willing to pay up front to get their contact info. Shell out the $50 a year. I’m worth it.

12. If you write to a man and he doesn’t write you back, don’t write a nasty follow-up email and ask him why he didn’t write you back.
He probably read what you wrote and realized you were going to expect him to put together thoughts into complete sentences. Don’t be so demanding.

13. We know you’re looking at us, because we see that you’ve viewed our profile every day.
You know how hot we are. We could have any woman we wanted. Better start chasing us if you want anything.

14. If a guy who you’re interested in writes to you, stop playing games and write him back right away.
If he thinks you’re hot enough to write to you, don’t make him wait. He’s not going to read what you wrote. Just send him some more of those hot pictures, the nude ones this time.

I have found when online dating that if you’re honest about who you are, and you get back to people immediately, you’ll get the date faster, get right to sex and skip all the games. Now go change that profile! I want to see some hot photos now!

I clicked through a link to his blog, looking for more “fatal mistakes” that were supposed to be there. I didn’t find the post, but I did land on one about why guys shouldn’t feel guilty about using women for sex while pretending they are interested in a relationship. I found an interesting comment there:

AmericanGothic Says:
November 17th, 2008 at 9:22 pm

Well, David, I am not trying to be the party pooper, but your posts/articles usually are tinged with a “male” testosterone driven logic instead of reflecting how things really are from both male and female prespectives. They are gered twords making men feel “empowered”, but by unrealistic and improper means.

Naturally, I am a female, and I don’t buy this BS you wrote above. Enjoy the experience? Women of today are not very good at holding back sex because they think that’s how they will get love. After all, everyone is doing it.

They feel somehow that if they hold back they will lose the guy. They make it too easy. Although we should (not the best word) enjoy EVERY present moment and experience, (not just sex) it should never be irresponsibly and at the cost of someone else’s emotional investment.

If any man feels guilty ’cause it’s just for the sex, good for him, he probably has a conscience. Listen to it, indeed. because being there just for the sex is called “using”. Talk about users and takers… “So stop with this ego.” (Haha, your conscience is NOT your ego, you got it backwords.) “Stop with the ludicrous way of thinking.” (That’s called conscience.) “Stop worrying so much about the other person.” (Yeah, be narcissistic and selfish.)” “Start enjoying the experience of another person. Start enjoying the gift that the other person is giving you.”

Haha! that must have been cathartic. Is there ANY man who does not enjoy that experience??? (sex) But any man I would go to bed with would have to earn the experience. I don’t give away anything without getting back the same. That’s fair. the “getting to know” and “experiencing” people should be done not just in bed, but way before you hit the sheets. Unless, of course, you are just playing the field, in which case you should have the guts to say so from the beginning. See how far that would get you. You don’t seem to know much about women yet, so here’s a hint: we are usually after love, and we might give sex to get it. Yes, that is reality.

Have you heard the saying “women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex”? If women would stop being afraid of being rejected for their honesty, that is what you would hear them say. (Even if we enjoy sex just as much, we attach different meaning to it!!!) Every man is a potential prince charming to us. It’s biology. blame the big bang. (Haha, big bang!) We are wired differently.

Any woman who plays like a man with you, will play like a man with everyone else. You’re not special.

Sorry if that is harsh, but that is reality. Do you have ANY idea what we girls talk about in the restroom? No, it’s not “let’s all have lesbian sex!”, It’s about how men don’t give back what we need.

I hear all my girlfriends complaining about how great the sex is, but you don’t call, forget their birthday, your ex still calls you, and you won’t commit. Then they cry.

David, it’s really too bad you leave out the fact that we are all multi-layered, multi-faceted, multi-dimentional beings and that sex is the icing on the cake. There are other important things and give and take can be rather a complex concept if not properly understood. “I’m just telling you to be a little bit more upfront and to stop assuming that the other person is falling in love with you. You’ll know it when someone is falling in love with you. You’ll feel it in your soul, in your heart, and in every inch of your body. You’ll feel it in every conversation you have together.”

What BS. This is so untrue, and to make it simple, men don’t have the most acute intuition/perception, especially not horny guys. C’mon! you don’t even like the sound of the word “feelings”. We live in a society, in this age, where relationships have become comodities, (for free sex) and connections are too superficial to be meaningful. You keep going around like that and very few will find real meaning and fullfillment, no matter how you will try to convince yourselves.

I am talking to men and women. David, live a few more years, and you will understand. You’re the nation’s leading personal coach? No wonder so many people are miserable in love. (I am not blaming you, because you are just a product of the environment as well.) Why does a man “need” help knowing how to “pick up” women? What men “need” is self-respect and self-esteem and knowing when not to fall for quick scams.

If you practice David’s tips, you *might* “pick up” more women, but guys, quantity is NOT quality. Although if you are starved, you might not care. If any of you guys is “plagued” by doubts with regards to being fair to your girlfriends, why don’t you fess up about your intentions and have a *talk* about your “feelings” with your girl. be honest. Have the guts to tell her what you really want. Women are very understanding and accomodating. That would be fair and real.

And finally, David, for your information, I specialize in LONG term relationships. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 yrs, and I won’t marry him because I don’t want to. (I am waiting for you. haha) David, in the meantime, careful with that “advice”.

The next commenter called her a “cunt”. I didn’t know John McCain had figured out how to use the internets…

If you’re not, it’s a site where people send in their horrifying customer service experiences. They get turned into blog posts, and perhaps at some later point the big bad mega-corporation contacts them to make things right.

Well, sometimes it doesn’t, but even when it doesn’t happen, it makes for entertaining reading.

But that is neither here nor there. This submission was by a guy who was absolutely outraged by the customer service experience he received. I guess a reading of all the evidence showed that he was his own problem, so he ended up as the bad guy in the story and the poor longsuffering customer service person ended up deserving a medal.

He needs a spanking, really badly.

The post

They say there is someone for everybody. Having read this bizarre wife advertisement written by a recently-divorced 53 year old software guy, I have the feeling that they are wrong. There is nobody for this guy. No woman is so stupid that she would fall for his crap. And if there were a woman who was so perfect in every way, she would never have him.

This just goes on and on forever. It’s hard to believe it’s real, but would somebody who was not insane actually put up such a long page like this?

The blog

(2:05:14 AM) debbie_set: hi
(2:06:03 AM) Angelika: hi
(2:06:17 AM) debbie_set: is your salon open?
(2:06:35 AM) Angelika: well, as a matter of fact, I work some ungodly hours
(2:06:59 AM) Angelika: trying to put together some hair fetish sites
(2:07:10 AM) Angelika: are you looking for a makeover?
(2:07:14 AM) debbie_set: where can I find it
(2:07:19 AM) Angelika: the salon?
(2:07:27 AM) Angelika: or should I say, the “salon”?
(2:07:31 AM) debbie_set: yes your virtual salon
(2:08:02 AM) Angelika: well, it currently does not have a web presence, but I have a domain I intend to use for it
(2:08:11 AM) debbie_set: nice
(2:08:46 AM) Angelika: the plan was to put up a virtual salon and a sissy pride site of some sort. I have the domains, haven’t got round to doing anything with them
(2:09:03 AM) Angelika: but if you want to call me, I can give the particulars
(2:09:19 AM) Angelika: but I am getting closer
(2:09:24 AM) Angelika: as I get more things done
(2:09:32 AM) debbie_set: I’m female too hon
(2:09:44 AM) Angelika: really? don’t talk to too many femailes
(2:10:08 AM) debbie_set: and I role play with t girls
(2:10:18 AM) debbie_set: I do their hair
(2:10:31 AM) debbie_set: most of them never reach the dryer
(2:10:53 AM) debbie_set: becausr they have to clean up the mess
(2:11:17 AM) Angelika: they do get excited
(2:11:38 AM) debbie_set: i use pics do you have many pics of sets or perms etc…
(2:13:17 AM) Angelika: actually, no.
(2:13:34 AM) debbie_set: how do you go to work then
(2:14:30 AM) Angelika: what do you mean, go to work?
(2:14:51 AM) debbie_set: when you have a client in your salon
(2:15:02 AM) Angelika: I do phone
(2:15:10 AM) Angelika: I create the experience in words
(2:15:21 AM) debbie_set: I see
(2:16:07 AM) debbie_set: male get excited if they see a woman with rollers or rods in her hair
(2:16:26 AM) Angelika: that is not my demographic
(2:16:43 AM) Angelika: the guys I deal with would much rather see a guy in rollers
(2:17:01 AM) debbie_set: have to go now hon
(2:17:07 AM) debbie_set: talk with you later
(2:17:50 AM) debbie_set: mine want to be a woman
(2:18:16 AM) Angelika: of course
(2:18:33 AM) debbie_set: with nylons and heels on
(2:19:10 AM) Angelika: so what do you do?
(2:19:15 AM) Angelika: I am not understanding
(2:19:22 AM) Angelika: you provide photos and free cyber?
(2:19:41 AM) debbie_set: ydo you want to try it
(2:19:52 AM) Angelika: do I want to try what?
(2:20:07 AM) debbie_set: so you can see how it works
(2:20:11 AM) Angelika: I have no interest in doing cyber, and I don’t work for free
(2:20:30 AM) debbie_set: ok
(2:20:35 AM) debbie_set: bye hon
(2:21:04 AM) Angelika: bye

I actually didn’t find that person that way, mostly because the setup is designed to prevent people who have not paid $29.99 a month from getting in touch with anybody else. You can look—and the person whose profile you looked at will be notified that you looked. You can send an “icebreaker”, which is a one line message selected from a dropdown menu, basically a message that says little or nothing, but you may send only one of these to a person. Or you can just shell out the big bucks.

What you can’t do is put anything in your profile about the rules. You can’t tell people who are subscribers that yahoo will not let you email them, or will only let you send one “icebreaker”. You can’t say, for instance, “Send me your email and I will get back to you.” You can’t put your email or any other contact info in the profile.

Actually, I did put some contact info in the profile, just in case somebody is really smart, they can figure out what it is and how to use it to get in touch with me. But right here I’m not telling what I did. And so far, nobody’s figured it out yet.

Hey, it’s a test.

I even tried to put a sort of a photo in, but they would not let me add it unless it was a full face shot. Wow, that’s useful on a personals site where you really want women to participate. I’m sure every woman in the country wants her face on your loser site. Especially since they let the guys put photos of their house or pickiup truck.

Yeah, losers. Every guy who has contacted me has some kind of mental disconnect. A guy in the next town emailed me, said he was busy with the holiday. Okay, so I emailed him after the holidays, and he got all pissy, wanting to know who I was and why I was bothering him. Sry, nvr mnd. It’s okay, you smoke, you’re conservative, and your living room looks like it was decorated in the 70′s.

The next guy wanted me to IM him. So I IM’d him day after day, and finally gave up. He got back from his vacation and wanted to know why I hadn’t contacted him. Huh? Wanted my phone number so we could talk. Uh, let’s chat first, okay? Not.

But this guy takes the cake. He probably lives 15 minutes from my home. He is a writing instructor at a college. I like writers. He sent me a brief email:

“Hi I’m fairly intelligent so maybe you’ll give me a try.”

Okay, I sent him an “icebreaker”, figuring maybe he’ll send me his contact info and we can communicate…

“Looking forward to hearing from you again soon…”

…and got this back:

“honey, you’ll have offer more than that to make a connection with me.”

“More than that”? You want me to pay $29.99 for the privilege of emailing you? Just how much do you think you are worth? Have you been single so long that you think women have to pay to chat with men?

Apparently I will have to pay $29.99 if I want to make a connection with him. Or would. But I think I just stopped wanting to. You can call me. That’s $2.25 a minute with a 10 minute minimum.

Yeah, and watch those capitals.